ego

I have realized something. Last night I was going to bed and I felt why should I reward myself? should I? why I cannot find reasons to be happy with myself? Like, why still I think all what I do it is not enough and I want to work more and more. 

so let me try. Let me try to mention reasons to maybe feel proud of myself, at least for these last couple of day.

– I have been accepted to volunteer at my old high school in the library. Organizing books, and promoting reading to tenagers. 

– I have been (and my classes) congratulated by my students. 

– I have been asked to teach several people more in my little town. 

– I have been told to look pretty by my friends mother. 

– I have seen friends that haven’t seen for a while, and really enjoy their conversation. 

– I have been asked to go for coffee with my coworkers. 

– I find one of my doctors really, really sexy

– I have put a lot a lot of effort on my classes and jobs. 

Well, as you can see it is probably not enough to feel proud of oneself, but at least to laugh a bit. 

 

 

 

– Haven’t made angry anyone for a while

– Visited ill friends in hospital / home. 

 

Doctor prescription: beer

So it was a good day at work. I had my Spanish class and we talked about primary schools and stuff like that. Two students missing, though. One of my co-workes asked me to go with her for a coffee and that felt really nice. 

The truth is that I have been having a coffee break (5 min) every day to drink an Americano. Since my  parents told me I should start surviving with my income (last month was only 350 Euros) I decided not to have that coffee anymore. But today I could not resist the opportunity of getting a friend. 

My mum called me to tell me that I had a doctor appointment today, that I did not know. She forgot to tell me when they called. So after work I went there. It went pretty well. I though he may change my treatment but you know what he prescribed me a beer right after my appointment.

According to him, I have a problem. He thinks I have been too responsible all my life. So he thinks that I should start having fun. I did have that beer. 

I went to the reading club after lunch, and presented some projects, like an interview to a writer. 

Then I realized something. When I was younger (in high school) I founded a club. It was called the Bohemian Club and it was supposed to be a space to discuss about literature, music, writing, philosophy. It had three members. Or four. We never got to do anything, I think we did some book markers. 

It was disappointing since anyone had really the interest. MEmbers where members just because they were my friends and they loved me and wanted to make me happy. But the purpose of it was not too appealing for them. 

The thing is that know, putting together all my activities, all my reading clubs, the drama lessons, and all the people involved, I kind of have my desired Bohemian Club and it is fascinating. 

 

Just that.

I am already tired. and it is only wed. 

 

 

On BcN Well, I…

On BcN

 

Well, I am back. I did not even realized how fast it went.

Thursday I went after lunch to the airport (and after a conversation with one of my students who seems to be not happy with his class). And I was worried cuz Nuria had emailed me telling me that the university was closed because of the snow. I thought that I may not be capable of doing the paperwork…. 

When I arrived I met Youkyong at the FNAC place. We had a cup of coffee and it was really nice to catch up with her. It was freezing cold. 

 

Arrived to Estelas’ and waited her to be back from English class. I was so glad toI see her again (despite the fact she was angry at me -don’t want to get into details 🙂 ) 

Next day the university was ok, so I could do everything. Not that was important (I mean, i got my diploma and everything) but the greatest thing was going and come back with LAura and Olivia with whom I had seen in forever… like, I felt time was not enough to talk. It was great. We walked around, did some shopping, lunch and dinner with Nuria and her bf ( they look really cute)…

 

Saturday I spent the morning running some errands and in the afternoon went to the movies with Carla. It was really nice, we watched Albert Nobbs. I did like it. I spent the night with Estela talking and talking. I feel I could be talking to her forever. There is always something she has to say, and she’s always ready to listen to what you have to say. 

 

And sunday was there already. Going back home. home? 

 

So yeah, what do i call home? Did I feel at home in Barcelona? No i didn’t. Do I feel home in Galicia? NO I don’t. so that is kind of uncomfortable. Like I do not belong to anywhere. 

 

Let me explain. I love the city. Barcelona. Chilly and it there is plenty of stuff to see and to do. I mean, everything is moving, everything is changing and that is so like me. I could just pass the day entering weird stores and looking at different people. You feel like you have the whole world available there. No one judging you. No one caring about what you are doing, how are you walking, and how are you dressing. There is something, though. Before arriving at Estelas’ house I decided to do some grocery shopping (milk, soup, fruit) so I did not use her stuff, and I acted as if I was here, like saying hi to everyone and making comments on the weather, or irrelevant stuff to unknown people. They would just stare at me… with a “poker” face. Like “i do not know you. do not talk to me”. Like there is a barrier. As if I was going to do something bad to them. I think that is normal in big cities, you just do not trust everyone. But I felt lonely. 

 

Seeing the girls was amazing. I mean, i was not feeling lonely when I was around my friends. In fact, I was kind of surprised because after being separated for this long I thought that our relationship could have suffered damages and I think it did not. I felt totally comfortable and glad to catch up. There, I felt like I belonged there with them. 

 

Overall I felt ok. I already miss them. But not it. And as “it” I refer to everything that brings me memories. Bad and Good. 

 

Thank you

 

 

(I finished Ensayo sobre la cegera by Saramago. Loved it. Nuria, you were right) Now I am going to read Tinkers…

Cold

It is getting really, really cold.

Yesterday I went to the doctor. It is so difficult just to listen you have to get still better.

But it is ok.

Classes went great yesterday, not so good today. I mean, the group learning Chinese is really motivated, they pay attention and they are doing great. The group today… well, the girl does not even know how to read Spanish. The guy is taking the class only because is his only way to work at my job place as an english teacher. So he is not motivated and I feel frustrated because I want them to enjoy the class and they are not enjoying it. They are going slow too.

Lately I have been feeling kind of disappointed at work. I mean, I want to do stuff, to make changes, but I am not supposed to do that, my job is just to teach what I am assigned. But I do believe in language teaching, and I want to try new things, to develop my own techniques, and at the same time I am scared to.

Meanwhile, I am just fighting with my own stories at home. As I said plenty of tmes before, coming back home it is not easy. Not only because I feel I am in the middle of the rest of peoples lives (at my parents, grandmas house) but also because I haven’t got any ties here yet. With people. It is a little town, everyone has his or her own life, and it is not easy to make changes. So, for me, it is hard to “get in”.

Struggling with uncertainty too. About the U.S universities. I haven’t heard from them yet. It is killing me.

On the other hand, I am going to Barcelona this week, on thursday. Until Sunday. I am excited and scared of how its going to feel. I really want to see my friends, get my paperwork done. I want to have fun and enjoy the weekend. Be a little far from all these worries – my uncle being sick, the crisis, work, future plans …

 

I guess that ‘s  all. I will tell you when I am back. Did I say that I loved “arrugas” ? the movie about the old people ? recommend it to everyone.

Teaism

Hey

awf. Weekend already. and its the end of saturday. already. its not easy, really. This last week was actually hard.

Monday I stayed at work for 12 hours. And I started teaching begginner Chinese to a group of adults. They were great, I mean, really motivated people and they made me feel well. However something was wrong with my stomach.

Next day wasn’t that good. Not only cuz I was already exhausted, but because I am teaching Spanish to a really difficult group. I dont want to get into details but let’s just say that there is one student that does not treat me well. I feel useless and really bad.

the other group learning spanish is good.

How I have been dealing with this? not in the proper way. Drinking tones of coffee.Two at home before leaving at 7.00 one before getting into the office, one in my 11.30 break. And one after lunch. Yeah. No milk. Consequences? Nervously scratching the skin in my ears and head, so harming myself cuz I cannot stop my hands from trembling. I know I know, if you are conscious of this why do you keep this thing? I know. It has just been hard.

Plus, you know, when I moved back home from barcelona I brought all my books and decided to put them for a while in the storage room, until I buy a new bookshelf. I went to check on them and you know what? their condition is really bad. They are full of dust, and because of the humidity they are getting dirty… so I had to clean them. Like… books are the most valuable thing I have, and they are really important to me…

My aunt does not talk to me. At lunch keeps silent or ignores me. I think she is angry because everyone is worried about my health and I am making the rest of the family suffer. But … really? does she think I am doing this on purpose? Stop talking to me is not going to make everyone happier. I know I am kinda depressed and it sucks to be around me, but, please, do not be mad.

 

Anyway, I have been walking around tui everyday after lunch with my mum. Kept teaching my godmother’s daughter. Meeting with Monica to speak and practice English. Merchi is driving me to work everyday, and its nice. Love talking to her. Pili also inspired my mum and she enrolled in an english class and in a Galician CELGA class.

We have been planting stuff in our little garden. I have planted raspberries, blackberries, roses, etc.

I had book club session today. We have read “the book of tea”. I mean… it was nice to refresh ideas about buddhism, confucianism, taoism… however, I still do not get the tea ceremony thing. It is suppose to follow a philosophy which is all about nature, to let it go, to be yourself. And i find this ceremony to be very fetishist and elitist. Maybe I am not explaining myself properly. But I think I did in the club.

Its saturday night. I have just had dinner and you know what? I am going to watch some show episodes. I do not feel like preparing monday classes. I’ll do it tomorrow.

 

Thanks

 

 

I have not been…

I have not been writing for a while… anyway, it is not that I have something really important to say, or to write about. However, I have been doing some interesting stuff. I think. But it just seems too hard to recapitulate and to sum everything up. There are no news on my university admission process, which is driving me crazy. Good news… I am going to Barcelona so soon. Like on February the 3rd … until the 5th. Which is great.

I have watched Sherlock Holmes 2 with Monica, that was pretty entertaining.  And for the rest of the time I have been preparing my lessons with my godmothers child who is having some issues in class because she has problems with her hearing. She is incredibly smart, but she cannot hear the teacher properly so I am just giving her some explanations. 

Today I am starting a new class on Chinese and I am kind of excited. I feel some pressure because some of my students are trying the class and if they like it they will stay in the class. So I should do well. 

 

So, regarding my health I am ok, according to my doctors. Not huge improvement either, but that is normal. 

I made a new friend. I mean she was a classmate in the E.S.O and she works as a waitress in my favorite cafe. We met for a coffee and we plan to keep in touch. 

I am going to work now. 

I must say that I am falling in love with Vigo. Stone city. It smells like the sea. Crazy narrow streets. 

And happy new year (chinese)

New Start

Well, still nothing better for the 2012, although I should not complain.

Today a friend was telling me that reading the newspaper is like reading a newspaper of a third world country, and things over here are economically and politically serious. Until now I felt it was far from being a problem affecting directly  to me and my family, but no longer is far from that. It is actually affecting us and most of our conversations are around this depressing topic.

Anyway, at work things do not look as good as last years. I mean, while I enjoyed my one-to-one classes, this January I am teaching a whole group. They are nice, but everyday there are new people, and I do not get to know them that good. New people makes that my class program is affected all the time, and I do not feel really satisfied with the results of my teaching.

Weather is terribly cold, and freezing in the office (sitting the whole morning typing with frozen fingers) , but let’s be positive. Its almost weekend, and today is looking good. I have a private lesson in the afternoon, but I am free from 17.00 on.

I am having lunch with my friend María, we have a lot to catch up, and I am going to the movies with mum to watch Jane Eyre.

Plus, I plan to go on a hike on the weekend, try to buy winter boots on sale, and spending some quality time with Ixchell.

Moreover, I have bought already my flight to spend a weekend in Barcelona, which I miss so much. I can’t stop thinking about all the places I want to go, and the things I want to buy cuz we don’t have them in Galicia. But most importantly, I can’t wait to see my friends.

Yesterday dramas’ class was amazing. We starting working on texts. Speaking of which, I have been reading. Apart from ensayo sobre la cegera (still did not finish) I read Albert Camus play The misunderstanding. I loved loved it.

I have read Cruda Vuelta y Vuelta, which, if you read Spanish, I highly recommend. Kinda changed my day yesterday.

I have read Bertolt Brecht “the flight across the Ocean”.  I did not enjoyed it that much, I find it hard, but I have to admit that it is a good piece that is worth to read.

Reviews

A new month started, and everyone is making all these resolutions. Anyway, I pass directly to the action. However I have to admit that these days have been …. well, I do not want to get into family issues that are private online, but lets just say that there have been some arguments, and we are all struggling.

I went back to work today. My contract does not expire! so I guess that is good. I had to teach a class today but it did not went as I expected. When I was at the office, my boss called me saying that I would have two new students. Southafrican and french and I did. The problem was that their level is much lower than the rest of the class, so I was not completely prepared for that. My boss cannot really separate them into two groups because it is not affordable for the company, so I guess I will have to find a way to make them all feel comfortable. So, I have to be ready for that. It is good. I have to develop also a guide for students doing the “Camino de Santiago” like, a phrasebook and that is going to be fun.

I do not have news on my US Universities applications which is keeping me anxious.

Remember I said I was going to do this.. book challenge? It consisted on reading books that we have in our shelf (books that we do not buy in 2012) and read them. So I started already and I’m going to give you my opinion on them.

La tia Tula (Aunt Tula), really short novel by Unamuno is about a woman who leaves everything to take care of her sisters’ children, and acts as their mother. Unamuno critizises society, specially the ro

le of women in Spanish society during the … 20’s maybe. Tula resigns everything in order to become a virtues mother, as the Christian religion suggests. I liked it.

San Manuel Bueno, mártir, also by Unamuno. I loved this one. It was really really fun. IT is also a short novel, and talks about a priest (Don Manuel) in the most devoted town of the country. It tells the story of a priest that does not believe in God, but he pretends to do so because he thinks it is very good for the people in town. He is really loved by everyone even by Lázaro, a guy that went to America to work, and who was atheist and progressist . Both characters share really amazing conversations on religion and life (at that period of time) and the author does not forget to use humor in a really sarcastic way.  I really recommend this.

After, I kept reading some comedies (theatre) since I am working on my performing skills. I have always loved drama but I have to admit that I need so much culture and information. After reading Tartuffo, I decided to read “El avaro”  L’Avare (The Miser). I enjoyed it tremendously. It reminded me to my grandpa, I do not want to get into the argument, since most of the people has read it, but I cannot wait to watch a performance. 

El enfermo imaginario (The Imaginary Invalid) is great as well. I would love to play Toinettes’ role, the best character from my point of view, hilarious.

So I invested a good time in reading good stuff. Did not stop reading my newspaper everyday and did not abandon my movies.

I followed track on the movies I watched during 2011 and they were a total of 94, I felt kinda disappointed. So I started a new list this year. For the moment I have watched just a few: Godfather (I), re-view, cuz I love it. Marlon Brando is just amazing. I was feeling down and I watched Braidsmaids, which was not so bad. Went to the movie theater a couple of times to watch Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, and The Iron Lady. Both were ok. I liked Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy much better because I really expected the Iron Lady to be really amazing and it was just ok. I mean, acting is great, but it is not so great the story’ focus.

 

You see? I am reading Ensayo sobre la ceguera right now, and my movie watchlist is already long…

I admit suggestions.

 

Thanks for reading.

1.1.2012

I told you thousand times already. I hate this holidays. Not only the cold. But the colors, the lights. The people around congratulating. It feels so fake. Like everyone is smiling to you, saying nice things, but you know everything is fake. Just because its Xmas, so, thats how it is supposed to be. Sorry I do not feel this way. 

However I love New Years Eve. No presents involved, not fake feelings involved. I just know that is a day to say goodbye to an old year, a year in which you had mistakes, and start a new one with the right foot. Having new plans, new desires. For me, it is like if someone gives you a blank page. Something like start again. Somehow. So, I am always looking forward for the party. I do not usually go out. Spend it with family traditions and after we go to visit some friends or so. 

Last year, 2011 started bad. We went for dinner to my uncles. It was nice, but after midnight he started to feel bad and had to go to the hospital. That was the last day he spent at home. Died six months after. A lot of things happened through the 2011… me feeling sick, mum loosing her job, my other uncles tumor… so I was willing to the 2012 to start. 

Around 8 I went to have some drinks, the neighbor bar always offers free champaign and cookies. And had some warm wine. I was a little tipsy by dinner time because I am not used to drink alcohol. We had some seafood and then oven cooked fish. I was trying to make nice conversation. Asking my family for 2012 plans or whatsoever, but noone was really participating. Just five minutes before the grapes (this spanish tradition) my grandma and aunt had a fight about the dog, so my grandma went downstairs shouting and she missed the countdowh. I was so concerned about doing all this supersticions right this time. But everythong turned out bad. It was the worst New Years Eve I had. After the countdown my grandma started cleaning up, and by 12.30 I was in bed. Sad. 

Anyway… my mum said : it is not how it starts . it is how it ends. Let see. 

I just feel very sad and disappointed the year is starting this way. 

Thanks, 

in the land of rural

Ok. I’m tired of holiday time. Yes. I know. I wish I had to go to work, or something. I told you I hated Xmas, and its true, and plus, having free time its killing me. Not that I have been plenty of time, which I havent got. With some Invisible friend shopping (I got PJs, a notebook, jungle speed, and gloves and scarf), and some family tasks I have been busy. In fact I haven’t had time for studying. Anyway, my complains come because it has been a lot of family time. A LOT. and I wanted to get SO involved, that now I am trying to fix family trouble and its so so so frustrating. 

One thing at a time. These days I have been to my mums hometown to take care of my cousin so that my grandma has time to do her stuff. These days I have realized that her neighbors, which happen to be my aunt and uncle -those we do not talk to- have been asking my grandmother (whose health is not perfect) to cook for them, wash their clothes, do their shopping, and other random stuff, all behind the rest of the family who usually go often to help her. So I went there to ask them please to stop asking my grandma to do stuff for them cuz she’s got enough, and what do i get? WHO are you? said my own aunt! can you believe it? she has been so cut off the family that she does not even know who i am. thats sad. That has been my day. The thing is that my uncle said, ok, we are going to stop , but I actually do not believe it. 

Being in the rural world has been fun, though. On the other hand. I mean, freezing cold. But I saw the rabbits, fed them, and went with grandma to do the shopping. Its great how she says hello to everyone we run into because that person is always someone that she knows from somewhere. Then, they stop and talk for a while. I promise, my grandma said today seven times (to seven different people) “last night snow…”. We bough some green beans to plant, also some rat poison, and corn bread. She bought also Dora the explorer cookies for me. yes. i am 24. The best part was when we had to go to this house in the middle of nowhere where an old lady sold us homemade honey for 5 euros. Then I just read for a while and wrote a bit. I

 

Next post I’m talking about this thing that I have been doing. Reconciling with people from the past. I think I’ve gone crazy. I’m serious. 🙂

 

 

thanks.

happy new year.